Fair warning, this will be a bit of a rant.
Okay guys I am so mad I could spit.
I came across this video with accompanying paragraphs full of complete and utter (sorry Mom, I’m about to swear) FUCKING BULLSHIT.
Granted, the website that made this is probably not the best site for beer. Still, their facts are so wrong and so backwards that it makes me want to vomit on my keyboard.
Plenty of people have already stated how this video sucks and is completely wrong, but I wanted to add my two cents as well.
The video starts with a host behind a bar. She introduces herself as—oh wait, she doesn’t actually state her name or anything. She instead says, “You walk into a bar, you pick up a beer menu. You’re a lady and you’re not sure what to order.”
Yes. Yes nameless lady, I am a lady too and whenever I walk into a bar and pick up the beer menu I’m not sure what to order…because all the beers look so freakin good that I want to order them all. What are you talking about? That ladies are confused by beer menus? That there are so many names and styles that we could never possibly learn them all?
Let’s get something straight here. Beer is not confusing. There are four ingredients. There are of course more unusual beers with added stuff, but the four main ingredients stay the same (water, grains, hops, yeast). Anyone can easily learn about beer—hell, go on a brewery tour and they tell you how they make it. Go on enough brewery tours, and you realize hey they use the same main processes. This is not rocket science. Can you read? Good, go google beer and see what happens. Beer is not some exclusive club where only the brightest and best are allowed to drink it, and educating people who don’t know much about beer (whether they are male or female) is part of the overall joy of it.
Well, dear reader, you might say that at least this video is trying to educate someone right? At least they’re trying to spread the good word of beer? Well that is where you are wrong, dear reader.
Host lady introduces our “beer expert” for the next teeth grinding 2 minutes and 15 seconds—Ken Hendricks from Howells and Hood (decidedly not a female). Howells and Hood is a restaurant in Chicago, and if I ever happen to go there I am going to have words with this man. “Typically,” he says, “there are certain styles that women tend to gravitate toward.” There are three beers in front of him. Which beers are they you may ask?
A raspberry lambic, a Belgian, and a cider.
Excuse me? Two beers and a cider?? Cider is not beer, dumbass!
I have so many issues with this it’s not even funny. Let’s start with the raspberry lambic. Lambics are, no doubt, delicious. I love them, but it’s not because I happen to be a lady. My brother loves lambics and sour beers (among others). My dad likes them as well. However, they can be too sweet for a lot of people because some of them are made with fruit (pretty much the only fact that this so called beer expert gets right). But to suggest that women should order this beer because it’s sweet without even paying attention to the fact that hey, everybody has different tastes, is completely and utterly so beyond stupid I can’t even find words.
And not all lambics are sweet—some are completely sour and funky with not a hint of fruit. The raspberry lambic is a fruit lambic, but other types of lambics include a pure lambic (cloudy, uncarbonated, sour beverage), gueuze (a mixture of young and old lambics, usually sour/funky), and kriek (refermented lambics in the presence of sour cherries with a secondary fermentation—these are dry and sour).
Also, in the video and in the paragraph that appears below the video, it is stated that these range from 6%-10% ABV. Um, what? I’m sure that there are some lambics out there on the higher end, but the average range for the fruit lambic that you’re serving here is somewhere from 3%-4.5%. If she had a gueuze, it could be around 6%. Krieks can get up to 8%. But she’s not drinking that, is she? She’s drinking a fruit lambic, probably not much higher than 4%. The average alcohol by volume for all lambics is 3%–8%. You need to get your facts straight, Mr. Ken Hendricks.
Let’s move on to the second choice. A Belgian. That’s great, Belgians are tasty! Which is it that you have there—oh, you’re not going to be specific, you’re just going to emphasize that it’s sweet. Again. But tell me, Mr. Hendricks, is it a saison? There are witbiers, there are dubbels, there are Flemish reds, there are scotch ales and tripels. Lambics are also a type of Belgian beer, so you clearly need to be more specific. But you don’t say which one it is because that might be too complicated, right? Let’s just call it Belgian. Yeah.
Yes, if you go to a bar and say “I’d like a Belgian beer” the bartender will know what you mean, and probably (if they’re good) suggest some styles or breweries for you to try. But all you had to do in this video is say, “This beer is a saison, it is a type of Belgian beer.” Bam. Done. Look. You look so knowledgeable.
And lastly…a cider. A cider is not a beer.
Can I just repeat that?
A CIDER IS NOT A DAMN BEER. It is a CIDER. Made from those round, red, shiny fruits called APPLES. If this was “The best ciders you should definitely try” I could get behind this. Maybe. But this is the insulting “Beers for ladies” and this doesn’t even QUALIFY AS A BEER. What the hell, Ken Hendricks? What are you on? You could have put a stout on here and instead you put a freakin cider. You know this is not a beer. So what qualifies you as a beer expert anyway? Did you just drink some Bud Light in college or something?
The paragraph below the video does say that the cider is technically a type of wine, but it just glosses over that very, very quickly, and just says that it has a crisp and fruity taste. Obviously no other beer qualifies as a beer women should try, and so they skip over the rest of the innumerable beers and go straight to cider. That just hurts. For goodness sake, there’s a Smuttynose tap RIGHT BEHIND YOUR HEAD. I can also see a Lagunitas Pils, an Oscar Blues Mama’s Little Yella Pils, and a Victory Hop Devil.
Also, let’s talk about how the write up says you can put a garnish on any beer, like an orange slice. Yeah bitch, let’s put an orange slice in this raspberry lambic you just tried, that’ll work! And let’s not even talk about how they misspell hops as “hoops.”
The video ends with the host saying this:
“I have a better understanding of what women typically order and what I could order if I wanted to branch out from the usual.”
No, no you do not! You have no fricken clue! Do you know what IPAs are? What stouts or porters are? Pilsners? Do you know about hefeweizens and wheat beers and barleywines and rauchbiers (smoked beers)? No, you don’t. And if you go to a bar and refer to a cider as a beer you are going to look like an idiot.
Why do we need to define beers as stuff guys will like and stuff ladies will like? The whole lambic thing is just stupid, as my brother loves the stuff and my mom hates it and prefers the bitterness of IPAs (which my brother does not like AT ALL). There is no “standard” beer that either gender drinks. I’ve seen guys drink those light yellow beers (basically water) and I’ve seen girls drink nothing but stouts, and I’ve seen the opposite. If you really want to know “Three Beers for Ladies” change that stupid title to “Beers You Should Definitely Try” and then have a wider range of types.
Do you know what I would do, womensforum.com and Ken Hendricks?
I would start them off with a lighter bodied beer, perhaps a golden ale, hefeweizen, or pilsner. I would move from there onto a witbier or a saison, a pale ale, then onto an IPA. I would offer an amber ale, a brown ale, a barleywine, a stout, and then end with a chocolate, fruit, sour, or otherwise unique beer suited to an “after dinner drink.” I wouldn’t divide the drinks into groups based on gender; I would divide them into groups based on lagers and ales. I would give these people a better introduction to beer than two sweet beers and a cider. I would never insult anyone by suggesting that they’d like this or that best depending on whether they have a dick or not.
Who’s the expert now, bitch?